My Heart

I held her. I rocked her gently. I sang, "You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. You make me happy when skies are gray. You'll never know, dear, how much I love you. Please don't take my sunshine away." It's the only thing that calmed her. It only calmed her when I sang it to her. She was happy. I was happy. We were both content.

I can't hold her any more. I can't rock her. She hates my singing. She hates me asking her any questions or even talking to her at all. When I do, I say all the wrong things. If I ask her questions, I'm being nosy. I only talk about her when I can brag about something and yet, I'm accused of not recognizing her accomplishments at all.
If I don't ask her anything, surely it's because I don't care. If I read and comment on her Facebook, I'm being presumptive about knowing her at all. So, I'm not allowed anymore. I'm blocked.

I want to hold her. I want to tell her how much I love her. I want to rock her and tell her that she's still my sunshine. I want her to know that no matter how much she's hurt me these last few days, my feelings for her will never change. I want her to believe me. I want to take away her pain. I want to know exactly what I did or didn't do that caused this so that I can fix it. She won't even grant me that. I can't fix something when I don't even know what to fix. I want her to know that we can get past this. I hope we do someday. I hope she lets me back in so that we can work through this.

I worry about what would happen if I died tomorrow. I know it's melodramatic, but things like that have happened. What if this were the last day we had together? How would she live the rest of her life? Would she ever accept that I DO love her with all my heart? Would she be able to get over the pain of living these last moments on earth together in turmoil?

My heart is breaking. I'm sure hers is too, even if she won't admit it. I don't like this pain. I don't know how to mend it. For either of us.